Finding The One

I was recently asked a question: “Pastor Marty, when do you know when someone is the one for you?” Most people would say, you will just know when you have found the one for you. That may be true, but for most of us, it’s better to step back and examine the relationship from more than one perspective.

To determine if someone is the one, you need to answer a few questions.

• Do you have a common faith in Jesus Christ?

The Bible talks about the importance of being spiritually unified. 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says: Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?

Most people who are dating outside their faith ignore this verse or they just discount it or look for a loop-hole. They allow their emotions to take precedence over God’s word. Spiritual unity in a relationship is very important. I am not saying that a couple cannot have a happy marriage when their faiths are different, but it will be challenging. A common faith will give you the extra strength that you need to make it through the tough times.

A happy marriage is not only built on a common faith, but there are other key components that you need to consider.

• Are you attracted to one another?
  

Physical attraction is very important, but genuine attraction goes much deeper than you may think. Are you attracted to his or her personality? Do you have common interests? Are you friends? Do you enjoy being with some of the same people?

Are you nice to each other? This sounds elementary but I have counseled many couples through the years that are simply not nice to each other and their lives are miserable. Are you honest with this person about everything about yourself? Do you enjoy being with this person even when either of you is tired or grumpy? Even when you're not doing something special, do you really look forward to this person's company? Would this person be good as a member of your family? Do you trust this person and feel safe with him or her? In an emergency, would you trust this person to handle things? Could this person be your best friend? Does this person have qualities you respect and admire?

How do you know when you have found the one? You know it when both of you are willing to give up life as you know it and embrace a new life together. This is huge. Both parties in the relationship have to submit to each other. We form a partnership. Some people will say, it should be 50/50. The Golden Rule is not God’s standard for marriage. God’s standard for marriage is not “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That’s t 50/50. God’s standard is do unto your spouse as Jesus has done unto you. That’s 100%. In other words, “Don’t hold anything back.”

I believe that you have found the one when you are able to respect the other person for who he is or who she is. I may not agree with Patty 100% of the time, but I respect who she is and I respect her opinion. She, in turn, respects me and my opinion. If she differs, she will state her opinion but in the end she allows me to do what I genuinely feel is the best thing to do. If you want to take respect up a level you will come to the place of honor. Do you honor your mate? Honor is like respect on steroids. At times, I have to remind myself that my wife is a real person with real needs. How can I help meet those needs today?

Speaking of needs, what are the needs of every married man? Sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physically attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration. What about the needs of a married woman? Affection, conversation, openness and honesty, financial support and family commitment.

So, how do I know that I have found the one? We have a common faith in Jesus Christ. We are attracted to each other. Then, we must answer the question:

• Can we serve God better together than we could apart?

I believe that God has a plan for your life. You were placed on this earth to make a difference. You are called to contribute, not just consume. We’re all meant to give something back. We’re all meant to make a contribution. The Bible says we’re created to serve, we’re saved to serve, we’re gifted to serve. So, can as you attempt to figure out if this person or that person is the one, you need to consider if you as a couple can serve God better together.

I am thankful that in 1982, I found the one. It is my prayer you will find the one that God has for you too.

What makes a relationship work?

This is the age-old question that continues to be argued, analyzed and developed over the centuries. Here's some thoughts...

1. Good Communication

Communication is a major factor in making a relationship work. It’s important to express what you value, what you like and dislike and what your goals are. Men and women are different. John Gray made millions on his book Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. It’s a book about communication. We all need help in the communication area. When we fail to communicate, we are setting ourselves up for trouble.

2. Respect each other

Happy couples respect each other. Happy couples not only communicate well but they respect each other. If some one respects themselves, it is natural that others will respect them as well. This is key because some one in a relationship cannot respect someone that doesn’t respect themselves. Happy couples respect the other’s ideas, beliefs and interests even though they may be different. Sometimes those differences cause painful situations. That leads us to the next step.

3. Willing to Apologize

Happy couples know how to say “I’m sorry”. Happy couple also know how to say sorry and apologize for something. It is essential that problems are solved before they escalate, and therefore a good relationship revolves around communication and humility. Pride and the need to be right all the time has no place in a happy relationship. There needs to be understanding and compromise, and the ability to analyze and accept another’s opinion.

4. Encourage personal growth

Happy couples challenge each other to grow. Happy couples also challenge each other to grow, which suggests that a mental connection is one of the major factors in making a relationship work. Mental stimulation is essential for growth, where ideas are introduced and pondered together, where two people can come to intellectual conclusions.

5. Spiritually connected

Happy couples are also spiritually connected, where two people understand that there is more to life than materialistic goals and values.

Focusing on the good

Several years ago, a journalist was doing a story on Ruth and Billy Graham. They said, "What was it like for your husband to be gone so much ... one time up to seven months?

Ruth Graham replied: "Five months with Billy is better than twelve months with any other man." She focused on the good. She could have said, "You know he's gone all the time and he doesn't care about me." She focused on the good.

Sometimes the things that attract us to each other are the things that create the greatest stresses. In dating opposites attract; in marriage opposites attack. The very thing that attracted you before marriage is the very thing that repels you after you are married.

For example, I am intense. Patty often says, "Give it a break. Let your mind rest." I am driven. I am punctual. When I was a kid, I put my books at the bus stop thirty minutes before the bus came so I could be first in line.

Patty on the other hand is laid back. The bus would have to blow the horn to get her out of the house. She gets it honest though. She comes from a long line of laid-back people. They are calm. They never get in a hurry. They embrace every moment and chew every bite. They can make a fast food meal last into the afternoon.

When we got married, my world was turned upside down. I've never been late. Now, I am never early. We have both grown in this area, but I have to say that I would rather be late with her than be early with anyone else. Every relationship has its positives and negatives. What would happen if you started focusing on the good and not the bad? If you started concentrating on the good, then you may be surprised at how good it could be.

Thankfulness at The Creek

Today I sat around the table with several Creek staffers and talked about our ministry this year.  It has been an incredible season.  This month we will baptize over 20 people and we will average around 1500 in attendance.  When most churches have seen a significant decrease in giving, the generous folks at The Creek have remained faithful in bringing the tithe to the Lord's house.  On Sunday, one of our Elders said that there are two words that describe this year:  "immeasurably more".  Those words come from Ephesians 3:20 when the Lord says that He will do immeasurably more than we ask or even imgaine according to the power that works in us.  God has exceeded our expectations.

I believe that God wants to do the same in our personal lives.  He calling us to ask.  When have you prayed for something so big that unless God does it, it won't get done.  Today  as we talked, we said that it was time to enlarge the sanctuary.  We need about 1.5 million dollars to do that.  We need God to do a miracle.  Say a prayer today and ask God to do something "BIG" ... ask him to give you an opportunity to have a spiritual conversation with your lost friend.  Then, ask Him to supply the needs at The Creek.  Together, we will see God do amazing things.

-- Marty

Fill Us

Calvin Miller wrote in his book The Table of Inwardness about an antique wooden dynamite box in his home.  The box was made in the nineteenth century and it was carefully constructed to withstand shock so that so the explosive contents could be transported from the manufacturer to a place of use. On the lid were large red and black letters that said, DANGER DYNAMITE!  He said that the last time he saw the box it was filled with common paraphernalia. 

The box is like a lot of us.  We are created to be spiritually passionate people, filled with the energy of God, but instead of having spiritual dynamite inside, we are filled with common everyday stuff. If we are going to be who we want to be and be the people God wants us to be, then we have to empty ourselves of the junk that has cluttered our lives and ask God to fill us with His Holy Spirit.

And the winner is ....

On November 4th, several friends came over to our house to watch the election night returns.  It was truly a historic event.  It was neat to see so many people who felt like their vote really mattered.  

When Barak Obama came on  the scene at the Democratic National Convention four years ago I, like most of you, recognized his star qualilty.  As he entered this year's race and appeared in the Democratic debates, it was evident that not only did he have star quality, but he was a great communicator.   His calm, cool and collected demeanor draws you into his conversation. His message of hope resonated with millions of Americans who feel as though our economic situation teeters on hopelessness.   

Since the vote was counted, pundits have attempted to figure out why Barak Obama won and John McCain lost.  To me it's evident.   Barak Obama was able to articulate a vision and John McCain failed to do so.  If you ask the common Joe what an Obama administration will bring to America, they will say, "Change."   Over and over, Obama proclaimed the concept of change ... a change in our economic strategy, a change in our defense strategy, a change in our tax strategy and so forth.   

What did John McCain communicate?  Hmmm.... that Obama was too risky for America.  Well, that maybe true, but John McCain failed to communicate a vision that was clear enough for Americans to rally around.   In retrospect, John McCain should have waved the banner for lower taxes and less governement.  He should have communicated a passion for personal responsibility and moral integrity.  He should have stood up for the rights of the unborn.

If a leader is going to inspire his followers to move forward, then the vision must be clear. Obama won the vision race and thus won the Presidency.  McCain was unable to communicate a conservative message because he wanted to "cross the aisle" so much that he weakened his message.  In some ways, we had two Democrats running for President this time.  The Democrat that communicated a compelling vision won.  Congratulations Barak Obama.  May God bless you and may you build your leadership team on the principles of God's word.

Deuteronomy 28:13-15

13 The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. 14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

Changing of the Guard ... in Knoxville

This past Saturday I sat in Williams Bryce Stadium in Columbia and watched Steve Spurrier's Gamecocks play Phil Fulmer's Volunteers. I told my two sons, Stuart and Samuel, that this was the last time that they would see Fulmer coach UT in Columbia.

We have a saying in Columbia... we hate orange ... meaning UT, Florida, and Clempson. Well, it's interesting that two of the orange nemeses have lost their coaches this season.

It is interesting to me that Tennessee fired (or Fulmer resigned) their coach after losing to South Carolina. I was at the stadium in 1992 when Tennessee lost to South Carolina and the next week they fired Johnny Majors. Hmmm... what does that say about the Gamecocks? Maybe it says when you lose to South Carolina, it's time for a new coach. Oh well... I am still committed and faithful to the team.

Okay, let's talk about Clempson .... I mean Clemson. If the Bible is correct and you reap what you sow, then Clempson needs to pray for a crop failure. They have an inflated view of who they are and they are expecting a top tier coach to come their way. Why would someone want to go to a university that treats their coaches like Clemson does.

Think about it ... they fired Ken Hatfield after going 10-2, 9-2-1, 5-6 and 8-3. That was wrong. Some folks in the Upstate said that they University did not like the fact that he was Assemblies of God. I doubt it. They just wanted Danny Ford back.

This year Tommy Bowden said good-by to Tater Town. In his nine season, he went to 8 bowl games. The only year that he did not go was when they declined the bid because of the brawl with South Carolina. My son Samuel and I were there sitting in the section where the Clemson player's helmet was thrown. That was a game that we will never forget.

Okay, having said that, Tommy has done quite well ... 8 bowl games, but they made his life miserable. They, once again, are wanting Danny Ford. Well, Tater Heads, Danny Ford ain't coming back. You remember him better than it was. The last chapter of his coaching career has been written. He was a tremendous coach in his day, but you cannot go backwards in life. You must move foward.

I think IPTAY needs to drive a tractor to Knoxville and invite Phil Fulmer to come to Tiger Town. That's a perfect fit. It would also keep the Spurrier and Fulmer fued going. If Fulmer won't come, then keep driving down I-40 and talk to Bobby Johnson at Vandy. Bring the South Carolina boy back home, but please be nice to him.

Do I feel bad for Fulmer and Bowden? A little, but not really. Tommy (if I am correct) will walk away with around 4 million and Fulmer (if I am correct) will walk away with about 6 million. It's hard to feel bad for folks when they are compensated at that level.

Now, what's going on in Columbia? I would like to say that all is well. It's okay. Next year (wait to next year ... have you ever heard that saying) will be better. We are 6-3 and have not play Arkansas, Florida or Clemson. Next year will be better because Spurrier has finally found a quarterback in Stephen Garcia. He is young and is developing. His irresponsible behavior off the field cost him practice time this year. If he would have been a little more disciplined then he would have had an opportunity to learn Spurrier's system before the first game. But, his choices not only affected him, but it costs the team this year. He is the third quarterback this season, but he is the best one for the position. He is the quarterback of the future. Garcia will improve with time. We have a great defense already and next year we will add a good running back in Kenny Miles and Garcia will have a year under his belt. We have a lot to look foward to.

In the end, like always .... it's great to be a GAMECOCK!

-- Marty

martybaker@stevenscreek.net